I Want My Cake

"i've never lived my days like this. i wake up in the morning, she greets me with her kiss. the Lord has gifted me with such happiness, it feels like Heaven..." -Solo

there's really not a direct correlation between the song and this blog. but it is my latest karaoke panty dropper fave so i'll run with it. btw... that Solo album was the bomb, at least the 3 or 4 songs that i remember... Where Do You Want Me To Put It asks the perfect question... Xxxtra Special, need i say more... alright, back to the lecture at hand...

for men, new love is the best love, mostly because it's completely voluntary. i'm seeing you for no reason other than the fact that i want to see you. it's not because we have kids, or financial obligations, or herpes, or because i'm horny and don't want to masturbate... again, or because i know you expect to see me at least twice a week. it's purely that i enjoy spending time with you and look forward to doing it again. 

for me, relationships should work in a similar fashion. i like you. i like spending time with you. i like being on the phone with you. and when i don't, i'm able to express that freely without it being a lingering issue... sounds good, but so does a chocolate river.

problem is, with time comes expectations, unspoken expectation, which leads to unspoken disappointment... fast forward and we have the some of the same issues that plague many of the relationships i see around me... i WILL find a way to have my cake... while also eating it

the Facebook phenomenon

"you took my love and i'm willing. there's no limit to the love i'm giving. the love i'm givin..." MIchel'le - Something in my Heart

has nothing to do with the price of tea in China, but i can't get the damn song out of my head... #movingon

a long time ago, 2001 it was i believe, a very single friend turned me on to BlackPlanet.com, a forum set up with profile pages and photos, set up presumably so that professionals could network and post job opportunities... connect if you will

what began as a very small part of what BlackPlanet was, matchmaking... became largely what it was being used for. it became a place to hook up... and get hooked up - i'll pause here and invoke my 5th amendment right to not self-incriminate

BlackPlanet turned to MySpace. MySpace turned to Facebook. Facebook, not Pinky and the Brain, took over the world... on office computers all over the country (if not the world), on smart phones via the Facebook app, on notebooks, tablets, and laptops at your local library or Starbucks... we seemingly can't go more than an hour or so without checking our news feed to see who said what, or looking for that little red "notification" icon to light up, or continuing that inbox conversation, or creepily looking at that friend's photo album again, or getting in a few moves on bejeweled, cafe world, farmville... the list goes on and on...

no longer is it "special" that i remember your birthday; by the time i send you that happy birthday text some 80 "friends" have already posted on your wall. not because they know your birthday (change your b'day to tomorrow on your profile and watch your wall light up

when you randomly come to mind i can satisfy that curiosity, not with a phone call or quick text, but just by giving your page a quick once over... and therein lies the problem

communication in its purest form is dying, if not dead. as much as texting had taken talking out of the equation, facebook has taken real life, real time interaction and rendered it moot. a conversation that might take 5 minutes on the phone can take several days on Facebook. we exchange numbers in a social setting and i have a friend request before i can get back to the car good. i haven't talked to you in over a year but you can tell me my last 8 statuses...

it's not that Facebook is the devil. like anything else, it's just made it easier for us to be the devil's WE really are

Top Twelve Tweets

...i rather enjoy the world of Twitter... some of the people i follow are absolutely hilarious. when i'm able to spend a few minutes on there i'm almost never disappointed. sometimes i read my own stuff and realize how much of a hot mess i truly am marvel at how profound my rare moments of clarity are. that said, here are my...

COMPLETELY SELF-SERVING TOP 12 TWEETS SO FAR
(yes, all of them are mines, lol)

12. i save the pda for my REAL no. 1 chick #stopcuffin

11. If u see somebody out and can't remember whether or not u've fucked them #umightbeahoe

10. if ur just trying to get fucked again, don't act. somebody else can fix ur computer, pick u up from the airport, etc. #transparentass

9. satisfaction: realizing that ur ex is still obsessed, fear: see "satisfaction" #moveonalready

8. why don't we ever see each other. am i really THAT busy or... #facefacts

7. ex fuck buddies are the best form of advertisement there is #wordofmouth

6. when facebook is at its worst, it's really bad... stop slinging shit people, everybody ends up stinking #notonurwalldumbass

5. he's a LOT less likely to wanna "hang out" when ur cycling #nohappyendings

4. just took one of those finna get some pussy showers #hot'n'ready like Lil' Caesars

3. my mind ocasionally wanders while i'm at church... it visits places that i should be ashamed of #trueconfessions

2. i masturbated to get that 1st nut outta the way, then decided you weren't worth the drive and just went to sleep #ugotthatregular

1. what if everybody said fuck it and started telling the truth #chaos

don't forget to follow: @real_raw2

On Second Hand

"the best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry"

i've been called a smart ass a few times in my day, an honor that i don't take lightly... sure, it's not the greatest compliment to be compared to a donkey, but prefacing it with "smart" somehow makes it seem fair

the problem with smartness is that is lends itself to a perceived ability to control a desire to manage everything and everyone around you... thusly, there is an expected outcome to most situations, and while the actual outcome may vary slightly, it is always in the same ballpark, with the variation being the result of some wildly outrageous and equally unexpected influence

TRANSLATION: just when you feel like you have it figured out, you realize that ur more Luke than Master Yoda... still a Jedi, but more work to do there is...

for every Gina, there's a Pam; ...and i thought Rubik's cube was hard

meet me over on Twitter: real_raw2

No Strings

Gipetto was a puppeteer of the highest ilk. if he pulled the arm string, the arm moved. pull the leg string and the leg moves. such is the nature of a puppet; there is a very specific and predetermined response to stimuli.

Pinnochio wanted to be a real boy, free of the ties that bind. he didn't believe in strings... silly boy!!!

women, or let me be more specific based on personal experience... Black women don't grasp the concept of a no strings attached relationship... at all!!! ...for the communication challenged, allow me to break it down for you

WHAT I SAY

i'm single... enjoying being single. as much as i look forward to being married again. if we're on the level of friends... friends who engage in 69 positions of debauchery have had sex even, that still only makes us friends. the fact that the sex was on point doesn't give you just cause to increase the expectation of seriousness. don't call me every night. don't express frustration at the fact that we haven't spent time in a week/month. don't show up at my spots and act surprised that i'm there with someone else. don't say ur fine with the way we are while secretly expecting to change/grow me over the course of time

WHAT I MEAN

see "WHAT I SAY"

#thatisall

Things I've Learned

"...you say i don't know how to love you babe. well i say show me the way. i keep my feelings deep inside i shadow them with my pride eye. i'm trying desperately. baby, just work with me" - Musiq (Teach Me How to Love)

i love r&b music. always have, likely always will. the best songs seem to come from a very personal place, a true sense of hurt, or anger, or loneliness, or horniness, or joy, or having overcome. that personal experience is typically the place that i write from... some might call it my heart. that said, i'll share a few of the things i've learned over the course of the years...

The 90-Day Rule

confession: i was once a fan of a show called Girlfriends. i'm not proud of it but it is what it is... on the show, Joan Clayton had a 90-day rule, whereas any potential love interest could not be consummated within the 1st 90 days. it was a source of ridicule on the show, and even in the real world, making a man wait 3 months to get the goodies virtually assures you of plenty of cold lonely nights spent popping the Pepsi can a prolonged single experience...

but its not as if the concept was flawed - waiting to have sex sucks on a few levels (insert easy joke here). but what it does is give the relationship a chance to define itself outside the context of sex. understand this: if we have sex the first time we spend time together, my judgement becomes clouded. there's a chance that our relationship will grow and thrive, but we'll much more likely have a couple of months worth of mind-blowing hayrolls followed by a few weeks (or months) of me having to ignore your texts / calls cause i dont really like you like that... how could i, i barely know you... and pussy, even good pussy, has an expiration date... ironically, usually about 90 days

Pillow Talk

a man is perhaps never ever more honest than after a good nut, with himself and with you... which can at times make for a trip down the proverbial slippery slope. it stands to reason that over the course of a sustained relationship, all allegiances shift and your boo becomes your confidant... BUT, at NO point prior to marriage is it necessary to discuss inner circle secrets and other people's business, nor is it appropriate to ask or require that ur partner divulge anybody's "stuff" but their own. if u happen to be standing by while i have a conversation with the homie, feel free NOT to expect that i'm giving u a play by play and every detail of his life when we're done

Wisdom

it's generally a rule with me that if you're willing to fix your mouth and ask me a question, then i'm willing to answer... what you have to be able to do is disseminate between information that you'd like to know and can handle maturely and stuff you're just curious about and will ultimately wish u didn't know. at the same time i'd like to be able to expect honest answers to the things that i bring up in conversation. these mature conversations lend to more genuine relationships

Optimism

when i was much younger, i spent summers at my grandma's house. every other week or so a man would come by, Mr. McKay. Mr. McKay worked for a food vendor, and whatever, however, why-ever, he would come by and bring goodies, all kinds of sandwiches and treats. when his truck would pull up in the driveway, me and my cousins were ready... Mr. McKay would always say he was just visiting and had nothing for us, but we KNEW better... we KNEW that he was gonna go back in that truck and pull of boxes of goodies. Not Ciara's Goodies though, that might've been better

i have that same feeling now. not that Ciara is gonna hook me up sometime soon, but that feeling like something great is happening... we have about 6 weeks until the new year and i'm chilling, somehow knowing that my help is on the way. don't ask me to explain it, let's just call it faith

Enough Is Enough

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Poison Ivy

...you're gonna need an ocean, of Calamine lotion ...it's not just a catchy song by the Coaster's. it's a warning. stay with me for a second...

i grew up in southwest Atlanta, the SWATS... and some things can only be found in the hood: Fanta Pineapple soda, the candylady, shoes draped over power lines, old men loitering outside of the gas station, chicks offering to give it up in the parking lot at the Ritz on Old Nat'l, church that doesn't let out 'til 2pm, hair-dos that cost more than rent #section8, bootleg EVERYTHING from movies to shoes, flea markets, pieces of weave lying in the street, 2-for-1 food stamp transactions, Kool-Aid, and poison ivy... big patches of a plant that, if you insist on playing in and around it, is well-known for causing discomfort on a good day...

what does any of this have to do with the price of tea in China... and how much was cabbage #Cosbyflow...

most people subscribe to similar principles, just give them different names, different ways of explaining the same belief system... where a bible thumping church goer may say you reap what you sow, common sense sayings stress "what goes around, comes around"... while my atheist friend might resolve that you get back what you put out into the universe, my ex, Michelle a more earthy natural hair having neo-soul loving chick might say "karma's a bitch"... right before she waits for me to fall asleep and cuts a runway thru my "good" hair...

...making it plain

"when i was a child, i spoke as a child. i thought as a child. i understood as a child. but when i became a man, i put away childish things" - the Good Book

i've done my share of dissing, ducking, ignoring, stringing along, and generally mistreating... here's hoping that in this quest for love if you will that my attempts to make amends for past ills and do things better buys me some grace, makes that bitch karma miss my ass, gets me safely to my destination

Popularity is Overrated

waaay back in high school, i wanted to be more popular. not that i was unpopular, but i was in all honor's classes and the band for Christ's sake i wished i was tighter with more of the "in" crowd... more specifically, i wished i was playing naked twister "tighter" with more of the "in" girls

Skee-Lo wishes he was a little bit taller, that he was a baller... R. Kelly wishes... Ray J wishes he had one wish... why is Ray J relevant. what has he done other than be Brandy's brother and bang Kim Kardashian... what the hell has Kim Kardashian done other than bang Ray J on film... why do i always press the little "button" on the top of my fast food drink, you know: Coke, Diet, Tea, Other

so fast forward to present times... i've grown into my big ass head and nose a sense of man-style, swag if you will, that seems to work for me. i'm no Idris Elba, but i get my share of attention on karaoke night at J.R. Cricket's in social settings...

...AND IT SUCKS!!!

...not that it sucks to be loved. that serves as a nice little ego boost and is most times flattering. what sucks is being "out" and having to count on other females to be respectful of the fact that i'm obviously on a date... not even that i always know these other chicks, just that Black women in particular (yeah, i said it... shoot me) have a way of getting their point across non-verbally, whether that point is to me that she's interested or to my date that she ain't shit her presence is not welcomed...

it sucks, like that chick who lived in Dallas that i met thru BlackPlanet because now i'm feeling a need to apologize for other people's behavior, people who did not come out of my scrotum and as such i shouldn't feel accountable for... it sucks like Lebron in the 4th quarter, like Master P movies

Kem is still underrated!!!

Under Construction

pressure busts pipes... but pressure also helps create diamonds. so, the key isn't necessarily avoiding pressure as much as maximizing the moment... where's the beef? is it hiding with Waldo? who shot J.R.???

OK, HERE'S THE SITUATION

my parents went away on a weeks vacation and... i've covered the change of seasons and people's relational sense of urgency. is relational even a word??? what i'm realizing, however, is that this autumn/winter has me looking in the metaphorical mirror and "decoding" my own words to the person/s with whom there has been at least a casual interest... follow me for a sec...

while i've been saying, in all honesty even, that i wasn't ready for a relationship but that i was willing to engage in freak nasty activity up to and including lewd, lascivious behavior and possible sodomy, not to mention a p90x contending cardio vascular workout (pats self on back) an in-the-meantime quasi fling thing; what i'm now realizing i meant was that i was, and am, ready for a relationship... just not confident that i've found "her"...

all of this self-examination in my personal life is mirroring what is quickly becoming a spiritual awakening of sorts as well... one that has me feeling a very real need to DO SOMETHING about what i've long held contempt for... the practice of playing church, and practicing religion not out of a yearning for true knowledge and understanding, but out of long practiced and mimicked behaviors... but, alas, that's another post (sighs)...

ENOUGH CRYING ALREADY,
time for some true soul-searching... something more definite than "i'll get back to you when i know something". time for a grown ass man, to grow even more... i refuse to settle. i also refuse to bust... if that means that i'm becoming a diamond (in the most non-gay way possible, lol)... then bling bling!!!

o_O also in the most non-gay way possible O_o

...and remember - loose lips sink ships, but they also make for a hell of an afterparty!!! #huh

4 Seasons of Loneliness

...when autumn sheds the leaves... the trees are bare when you're not here. it doesn't feel the same...

it's just a line from a Wanya & the Wanyettes Boyz II Men song, bitching and moaning about lost love and ...wait for it ...loneliness. Put a nice track with some tight harmonies and 4 guys from a performing arts school in Philly and u've got a hit. But, more than that, especially as it pertains to summer flipping over to fall, u've got a point!!!

it sucks to be single as the weather cools off, sundresses and sandals go into hibernation, and people cut down their list of f*$# buddies look to get into something more serious... the choice becomes a) holding out for that proverbial "one", b) getting more serious with one of your summer bunnies, or c) recycling some dugout love from winters' past ...the options for nightlife "spots" dwindles, tank tops and sunglasses are replaced with leather jackets and turtlenecks, and life generally sucks...

oh well, until that "it" girl shows herself ...at least i have football... Go Falcons!!!

Don't Rock the Boat

one hit wonder songs have a way of staying in your head for days at a time... Don't Rock the Boat by Midnight Star is one such song... who knows if they only have one hit, its the only song I know by them and it makes this opening argument work better ...the recurring theme of the song, or at least the part that plays in my head is "if it don't fit, don't force it. just relax and let it flow" ...how did facebook become soooo popular?!?

QUESTION

if the relationship is hard, as in we've only been kicking it a few weeks and already we're encountering decent-sized hurdles, is it not best to stop "forcing it", ease up, and see if it works itself out... or is it more reasonable to expect that it WON'T work out without special attention and its survival depends on intervention

I'm Ready

before Tevin Campbell got a "roommate" and moved to San Francisco fell off the map, he sang about being ready, and more specifically about waiting for his s.o. to be ready for love... it's a nice song, matter of fact, most of that album qualifies as good, panty-dropping music... the Black standard for a "we can make it" couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are apparently on the outs... there was an earthquake in Virginia that people swear they felt in downtown Atlanta... deer in Sandy Springs don't care about cars... what does it all mean...

REVELATION

i recently entertained a certain guest of the female persuasion at my home, a modest 2-bedroom bachelor pad of sorts in a pretty nice neighborhood. it has seen its share of debaucherous moments and possible misdemeanors lewd acts... its also the twice-monthly weekend home to the Terror Squad, a well-behaved group of kids, but a group of KIDS nonetheless...

so when said female suggested that she spend the weekend with Big Daddy at Big Daddy's House of Fun, it seemed like a reasonable suggestion... i had a week to destroy evidence of the previous week's sexcapades clean, wash clothes, vacuum, dust, whatever it is that females enjoy in an atmosphere that men apparently remain clueless about. And that's just it... while my "finished product" was short of my expectations, it fell FAAARRR below her level of expectation

who knew:

-what is that pile of clothes in the corner
-how long has that chicken been in the fridge
-why is the carpet so dirty
-what are these bottles of lotion doing everywhere
-what are these 4 dishes doing in the sink
-whose blow dryer is this in the bathroom
-what is THAT stack of stuff over there
-why is there a video camera mounted above the bed
-what are all these hair products here for
-when is the last time u cleaned this mirror

...it wasn't quite that bad, but close... what ended up being a good weekend, with good food, and good friends, also served as a lesson for ya boi...

Finish cleaning up, and then clean up again... then invite my sister over and have her critique, before finally cleaning up for real!!!

oops!!!

dealbreakers???

the NFL just ended its lockout. the NBA lockout continues with no end in sight, neither side willing to compromise what it considers non-negotiable points. Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez divorced. but what's more, the neverending hell hole saga that is dating and relationships plays out in grocery stores, malls, churches, and the local J.R. Cricket's...

you meet a new person - exchange smiles, phone numbers, facebook acct. information, bodily fluids... find out each other's favorite color, part of town, level of education, abridged dating history, taste in music, cell phone unlock code/pattern... gauge each other's intelligence, approximate level of income, earning potential, freak potential, level of mutual interest, willingness to play naked twister at a nearby hotel... all to arrive at a basic conclusion: "let's see where this goes..."

THE QUESTION

assuming we've reached this stage, what now becomes a deal-breaker? ...as in, i am no longer interested in knowing you, or your juicy lips... even on a physical level only - smoking, cussing, religion, hygiene, weird toe structure... what would make a person call it off

WRAP-UP

i'm actually gonna agree with a young lady i recently had this discussion with and say that for most men, we are willing to work with anything that comes out once my $$$ is invested and my penis is peaked we're "interested"... for women, there are probably some complete turn-offs, but who understands what women really want... not even women understand what women really want

sidenote: what's up with the nipple slips Nicky Minaj and Kelly Rowland? coincidence or Kardashianesque tactic to stay relevant... like Arsenio used to say, "hmmmmm"

Standards???

(electric relaxation, quite possibly my favorite Tribe song, plays in the background)

life (n.) - as a consequence of prolonged loneliness singleness, the relaxation of standards

the fresh-faced, hard-bodied 20 year old stallion has 2 lists:
- the qualities that she MUST have in a potential mate
- the sexual acts that she WILL NOT engage in because she's a prude it's just "nasty"

those lists, long and non-negotiable at first, shrink as father time takes a toll on once perky breasts and aspirations of millionaire dreamjob status become the hardened reality of underpaid, overworked, check-to-check work. the man that she dates eventually looks nothing like the Prince Charming of that Oprah-inspired list, and more like the unemployed, lazy, disrespectful bastard sitting on the couch when she comes home. straight forward sex in a bed becomes something totally different (i digress for the sake of preserving some of my secrets ;-))

while i've always been a bit of an exhibitionist, quite the voyeur, and an all out freak, my list of standards seems to be trending upwards. i've reached a point where i care enough about your feelings to tell u the truth, "i don't feel like you're good enough for me" ...it's not a slight towards you. you may be a wonderfully moral, attractive, kitchen throwing, bed breaking freak, but you're not what i'm looking for and i REFUSE to settle...

like Jermaine said, "don't take it personal, take the bitter with the sweet"... i'm just of the thought that the woman who is good enough for me should inspire me, not to get my lazy ass up off the couch, but to take my already productive ass to new heights. she should move me sexually, not in a way that leaves me wondering if i could fuck her sister and get away with it, but in a way that has me catching cramps coming up with new and innovative ways to make her cum harder, even after the initial lust has faded. she should care to stroke my ego, even as i protect her heart. she should love me, even as i finally understand how to love her...

there is no other way. no substitute

...secret lovers

you think that you're not just #1 but the only one. that's nice, but understand this...

public declaration is one of the most sincere forms of "claiming" that a man can do. Otherwise, you're just believing the hype. you may as well strap on a seat belt 'cause you're being taken for a ride

EVIDENCE

the fact that he's lovey dovey around a particular group means absolutely nothing. So you've met his family and friends, but you've never met co-workers, or that time when you dropped him off at work you barely got a goodbye.

maybe you've been to the office christmas party and he sits with you at church with his arm around you. why are there NO pictures of you on his facebook and his relationship status is hidden because he "never thought to put it up there"

maybe you've gotten all of these things, but you've NEVER been to his favorite spot. This one is kinda touchy because there is some value in having a place to get away and jut kick it with the fellas. But the fact that you are basically NOT ALLOWED to come should raise some concerns

BASICALLY

the man that loves you will shout it from the mountaintops. there is no place or group of people for whom that love has to be tempered. any proclamations about "not having people in my business" or just not being "that type of guy" fall into the category of game

a change has come

during my long ass sabbatical, a lot happened. i was in a "serious" relationship. serious in the fact that the thought was that it might be long term. i'm almost ashamed to admit that i don't know exactly why and how it ended. i think that ultimately her timetable for marriage didn't exactly match up with mine. add that to the fact that she was crazy i wasn't balling like i had been used to and what had truly been a promising venture dwindled and died without either of us putting up much resistance...

WHAT IT DID

thru her stories of lovers past she had made it abundantly clear that she was "that" chick, the one who prepared a man for marriage, with his next relationship often ending in nuptual bliss. at the time the whole idea was lost on me, but hindsight being what it is, i get it: she was very much in love with the idea of being married, being a good wife, the whole nine. while we never made it down the aisle, seeing just how passionate she was about it grew me... it was no longer possible to "date" as casually as i had, to go about life and love as callously as it had previously been. TRANSLATION: the dog died.. she killed it

THE AFTERMATH

right on cue, i found the "it" girl shortly thereafter. after our first date ended with us sitting on her back porch talking literally until the sun came up, i dropped out of the proverbial "game", taking the time and effort to cut off my supply contact any and everybody i'd been dating to inform them that i was no longer an option. in direct opposition to what had been my m.o., i made it no secret that i was, and who i was dating. that sounds like a small thing to all the chicks out there getting played a lot of people, but trust me, public declaration is HUGE for a lot of men, but that's another post...

WRAP-UP
time will tell and only God knows what ultimately grows out of my time with ms. spradley, but this much is certain... the events of the past couple of years have changed me