The Strong Black Woman Problem

"independent woman", worn like a badge of honor

over the course of the past three generations or so, the idea that women, more specifically Black women, should strive to do for themselves has taken hold; the thought that "needing" or "depending on" a man was somehow equivalent to weakness...

songs champion the idea, "sister circles" meet and propagate it, mothers (and fathers) preach it to their adolescent daughters. "don't ever have to depend on a man", 'always make sure you have your own car, own house, own money', and eventually grown women take pride in achieving it and telling any and everybody that'll listen about it

herein lies the problem: that thinking is flawed. it's contrary to our design and detrimental to the very structure of the family. it's an idea that doesn't seem to be shared by any other culture, definitely not on such a significant portion of the populations of those cultures.

WOMEN DO NEED MEN... AND THEY SHOULD!!!

nevermind the fact that procreation is not possible without each sex, it's very difficult for a woman to raise a man. our very nature, our strengths and weaknesses lend themselves to dependence. we need each other, and we need to stop trying to convince ourselves otherwise...

it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it needs to be laid to rest

#thatisall

Relationships 101

"many days i've longed for you, wanting you, hoping for the chance to get to know you... longing for your kiss, for your touch, your feel, your essence. many nights i've cried from the thing you do, felt like i could die from the thought of losing you. i KNOW that you're real, with no doubts and no fears and no questions" - Musiq Soulchild

dating as a 30-something straight man in Atlanta is, in a word, interesting... consider first my story: married at age 20 to a pregnant 18 year old; a marriage of 11 years and 3 children, subsequent divorce and accompanying child support payment., white collar employment with middle-class salary, involved in leadership at a local church... nonchalant to a fault, easy-going, sociable, comfortable in the proverbial "spotlight"... i want a relationship, fully invested, fully committed, fully accountable, just like the thousands of single, attractive females that roam the landscape and occasionally cross my path.

but what seems like a recipe for certain success is something less than that... what should be as simple as finding the right sized shirt is, more accurately, akin to finding a virgin at Freaknik... but why???

at this age, both parties bring a healthy amount of baggage to a situation. i know that the word "baggage" has a negative connotation but stay with me... what we see growing up becomes our normal. our experiences help shape what we will and won't accept in a mate. our past failures condition us to see red flags, even where they may not exist. our "friends" and others with whom we vent and seek counsel add cloudiness (if not confusion) to the mix... but what's worst than any of these offenders is our unwillingness, and down right fear of being alone

what SHOULD happen is that we meet people when there is an attraction, spend some time getting properly acquainted, and determine whether or not it is a good fit. what happens all too often is the square peg being jammed into the round hole. while it may eventually go thru, both the peg and the hole are damaged.. rather than waiting for the round peg (or square hole), we settle...

but if it were that simple, more people would be successful. allow me to throw in a curve...

what we also do wrong is determine the value of the person we're seeing based on some predetermined list of what we've had or think we want. so that rather than truly getting to know and appreciate a chick for who she is at HER core, she becomes a less attractive version of Jamie, or a less intelligent version of Michelle, or a less spiritual version of mom, or this, or that... never being able to be judged and appreciated for the uniqueness that she could bring to my life

along the same lines, i'm being measured by a ruler that her exes have bent, twisted, cracked, and broken. my strengths get lost in my resemblance to their weaknesses. my weaknesses morph into visions of tortured past. when i ignore a text at 8:45pm i become the man who used to leave and come home at 6 in the morning. when i have a decent conversation with my ex-wife, i become the man that cheated on you with his babymama...

the only thing i know is that i know nothing... but i'm learning. and one day soon, i'll get it right

In Security

"freedom ain't getting no closer, no matter how far i go..." -Akon

although not completely unearned, i have an unfair reputation as a ladies' man, a silver tongued distributor of dick. it's a script that plays in conversation after conversation, going a little something like this:

chick: (comments about my "groupies")
me: if i have groupies, i don't know about them
chick: whatever, i know ur screwing at least some of these chicks
me: i don't have the time, energy, or desire to deal with anything more than what we have going on
chick: yeah yeah, tell me anything
me: #killyoself

what i've come to realize through my own situations and the situations of friends is that there is VERY LITTLE that a man, no matter how honest, can do to make a woman feel secure. it has to come from somewhere inside of her deciding "yeah, i'm all in with what this dude is selling", or "fuck this, i'm not ending up looking like MiMi on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. i'm out"

unless she's certifiably insane, a woman will NEVER know every move her man makes: who he's talking to, who he's texting, who's texting him, what's in his Facebook inbox, email, Twitter, non password protected iPhone 4S... but often times, that "uncertainty" is the cause of attitude, argument, and ultimately pink-slippage...

is it fair to ask that a romantic interest cease any and all communication with the opposite sex. if it is, what point in a relationship is that.

agree or disagree... let's discuss!!!

Summertime

"guys out hunting and girls doing likewise ...it's like the summer's a natural aphrodisiac"


not my words but nonetheless true ...Will Smith's biggest hit "Summertime" is an anthem of sorts.  partly because of the beat laid over a sample from Kool & the Gang's 1974 hit "Summer Madness", but more because the sentiment rings true; true like Ray Allen's jumpshot, Serena William's ass, Whitney Houston's pre-crack voice, and Sarah Palin's penchant for fucking up an otherwise strong campaign saying regrettable things...

so the temperature's rising like the 1st words on R. Kelly's 12 Play album: track 4 ...old fuck buddies acquaintances are seeking to get reacquainted, new interests are making their intentions known, and i myself am feeling quite a bit more, ummm, amorous... seems like a recipe for a 90 day Naked Twister marathon if you ask me... however...

the young lady i've been "seeing", in quotation  marks because at this point i don't know that anybody would qualify as a girlfriend (whatever that is), has made her intentions quite known. she's looking to secure a title, whatever title i see fit to bestow i'm thinking, but definitely an upgrade from occasional bed buddy. i get it. in a way, i'm looking for the same thing... butt... not a typo, just a play on the fact that even at this advanced state of maturity (my words), giving up some more of my freedom feels like a loss.

i'm fully aware that this is the beast in me speaking. trust me, i have done quite a bit of taming said beast over the past couple of years. but when it comes to booing up, building relationships with kids, daily check-ins and the like...whew! why am i sweating???

...more to come!!!

How To Love

"...had a lot of moments that didn't last forever. now you're in the corner trying to put it together; how to love"

who knew Lil Wayne was more than a locked up, tatted up, whiny voiced rapper. "not i" said the cat ...in 1-on-1 conversations, round table discussions, a love and relationships forum i was tricked into attending by an ex-lover, and just general observation, a few things are abundantly clear...
-men and women speak different languages
-partly because of that, we don't understand one another
-we want, and need, each other ...as much as, if not more than, ever before

lemme take a few moments and share what i've seen, and thusly... what i believe...

men take pride in their achievements / accomplishments, and perceived areas of strength


what men learn early on in life is to recognize their areas of strength, and ride them 'til, as the cliche says, the wheels fall off. handsome, muscular, funny, smart, wealthy, educated and well-spoken, well-hung, imposing / intimidating, stylish... men with "swag" are able to present these qualities without having to talk about or promote them. it becomes their essence, the source of the confidence that they exude. what we do have to "sell" are our achievements. and we do... talk with any man for more than 5 minutes and you're bound to hear about that thing about his life that he is most proud of...

the women that we see as "wifey material" are the ones we think can appreciate, and support our desire for future achievement... and not just appreciate, but praise and compliment our vision when possible, and help tweak, or lend new ideas to, wait for it, enhance the vision... and a nice ass doesn't hurt ;-)

women take pride in their families, and perceived relationship status

whether it be their kids, siblings, parents, or close friendships, women derive some of their sense of "value" from the functionality of that "universe"... but what's more is how functional their relationship status, or lack of relationship status feels, and looks to outside observers

it rarely matters how rich/broke they are, level of education, career status, or even spirituality... "happy" women are genuinely proud of their love/home life, and how it looks... when a man can make his woman know that she's special, and it shows to those who might be watching, there's no limit to what she'll do to make it work. she's literally on top of the world

it's along the same lines as the whole love languages thing... and i'm/we're making progress. and ultimately, that love of fairy tales and romance novels that eludes so many is very attainable

Maybe Its Just Me

"...when you call my name, the sound of your voice, it lifts me off my feet. if music were love, the thought of you would always make me sing..." La, La, La - Zhane

some people love hip hop, some love rap. i'm partial to r&b,  always have been... the fact that Zhane's album was on heavy rotation in my CAU Pfeiffer Hall freshman dorm room may not have set well with my roommate. i wouldn't know though, 'cause i never bothered to ask...  you live and learn. my apologies to Edward Aikens from St. Louis, where ever you are now... once again, the story is irrelevant, but i like reminiscing... sue me

SET-UP

thru an interesting set of circumstances involving an income tax refund, a furry critter, and an absolutely dramatic and ridiculous hate for aversion to furry critters, i (along with two men and a truck) recently helped an ex move... during one of my many breaks, i went to the fridge, pulled out a wine cooler, popped the top on some leftover chinese food, and put it in the microwave... without thinking... without asking... i later realized what i'd done, which got me to thinking...

there are some things that ALL men do to ALL women...  i'm certain of it... at least i hope so, or i'll spend the next few paragraphs telling on myself and my shortcomings. and eating damn near anything in your fridge is one of them... if we're cool to the point where you've told me to make myself comfortable, feel at home, etc., you probably shouldn't act surprised when your leftover shrimp pasta from Olive Garden magically disappears, along with a cup or 2 of your Simply Orange juice... it's not our fault, you should see our fridge, devoid of much of anything except ketchup, butter, beer, and some old baked beans

MOVING ALONG

"nah, she wasn't flirting. we were just having a conversation..." ...my uncle used to call it playing stupid to save yourself, the ability to deny contributing to, or even recognizing that members of the opposite sex are flirting with us... i know it. i'm not crazy. i just hope that you are, lol...

The Coup De Grâce


"see what had happened was..." ...women have the ability to come very close to the point of orgasm, and stay there forever for a prolonged period of time, or even worse,  come back down.  from what i'm told, sometimes it's intentional, an effort to savor the moment, enjoy the experience. what's it's not is productive (if your goal is to cum too)... for me, and most men, escorting you to the point of orgasm is enough to get me to the same point... the difference is, for men, that is a point of NO return. if i walk to the edge of the cliff, i'm going over, hoping that u've jumped with me and we'll both land in a place of warm rags, a cup of juice, and a nap... the problem, and subsequent apology, comes when u haven't jumped. now, i came, u didn't, and round 2 is no guarantee depending on what kind of day i've had. yes, there are other options, and i'm more than willing to go there with you, but most of us men have "left you hanging" a time or two


it can't just be me... can it?

THE SHOW, THE AFTERPARTY, THE HOTEL

do you believe in love, and the promise that it gives. i wanna love you for life 'cause your love is why i live

...Jodeci had 3 albums. perhaps like no other group, the disparity between their good songs are and their utterly unlistenable bad ones is akin to a comparison between Eminem and Vanilla Ice. Get On Up, Freek'n You, and Love U 4 Life should've been added to "Diary of a Mad Band" so i could've saved my $14.99 at Circuit City back in 1995... even though i could use the fifteen bucks for gas right about now, i digress...

THE SHOW

Karaoke at J.R. Cricket's on Friday nights. no cover at the door, good people, good enough food, drinks (are drinks ever bad), dancing (Love Slide anyone???), good music, and singing... now the singing is hit or miss as well, but that's what the karaoke experience is supposed to be, right? i've called it my own Cheers, where everybody knows your name and good times abound... i enjoy it a lot, even moreso now that i live within shouting distance... but lately, it's taking almost a back seat to...

THE AFTER  PARTY

what started innocently enough with myself and the DJ grabbing a bite to eat and talking about the night's happenings and the other things that men invariably discuss, began to evolve. that evolution became what is now a full-on open forum discussion. love and relationship themes abound but we literally discuss any and everything relevant to that week's participants... the only rule is transparency, where we attempt to check agendas and taboos alike at the door, which in this case is the lobby of the IHOP about a mile from the karaoke spot

honest conversation about topics that run the gamut from intimate to controversial, from religion to politics to sex, from risque to down right inappropriate... and i so enjoy it!!!

THE HOTEL

the hotel is my house,  immediately after IHOP, a party of 1, where the agenda includes sleep, sleep, and more sleep, with the only interruption being whatever is on my Saturday schedule... sounds like an anticlimactic end to an otherwise eventful night but trust me, good sleep after a good night is... good stuff!!!

12 Play

do you mind if i give you some my 12 play.... 1, we'll go to my room of fun... 2, and i'll say give me your tongue... 3, cause tonight i'm gonna..."

...the blog is really an homage to the calendar having changed over to 2012, but i'll take advantage of any opportunity to work in some 90's R&B because, well... that's what i do... that whole album qualified as good, panty-dropping, pussy-eating, head-getting, butterfly dancing, slow jams cd-making music... "my mind's tellin' me no, but my body... my body's tellin' me yes"...

RESOLUTIONS

i don't make 'em... but i do use the easy point of reference that Jan. 1st provides to reflect on the past year's accomplishments and mistakes, and set some goals for the next year...

it's just a chance to say; i'm not perfect, but i'm striving to constantly grow better, starting now... it's quite practically the same luxury provided to some people by attending service at their local church weekly, but that's a whole 'nother deal...

professionally / financially: to continue using and make even better use of the talents and gifts that i possess, such that my potential and my reality more closely resemble one another

personally: continue a healthy, loving, and nurturing relationship with my kids... a similarly peaceful relationship with their mom... and remain open to the possibility of a REAL relationship of my own, not resembling the bullshit stuff i see in most other "relationships"

spiritually: to figure it out - to understand and begin to affect change towards a more genuine, honest, and productive experience at church... and stop relying on my knowledge of how "good church" looks, feels, and sounds

IN THE MEANTIME

...i can be found somewhere playing spades / bid whist, singing karaoke, masturbating to the sights and sounds of my favorite website, playing piano / keyboard, co-coordinating late night love and relationships forums at iHop, and blogging about all of it especially the craziness i observe thru my own and other people's ventures thru the battlefield of single life

until next time, peace and hair grease!!!