dis-appointment

 i got haircuts at Brown’s Barber College in Atlanta, GA for at least the first 10 years of my life. my dad took me. i don’t know how much haircuts were, but i vividly remember that every time i was done, dad would give me a dollar and make me go tell the barber “thank you” and give him the tip. what i didn’t realize at the time was that these were student barbers, and sometimes Mr. Brown himself (pictured above) would have to come “fix” my head. what i did know was that i loved going, and listening to old Black men, and young Black men, dialogue about any and everything under the sun. i was too young to contribute anything meaningful, but in my head i was right there in the middle, a full participant. 

that was the early 80’s, on Ashby Street. a decade or so later i would attend college on that same Ashby Street, and spend the next couple of decades in and around Atlanta, meeting a TON of thoughtful, well-meaning people from all walks of life. these people, like me, have waaay too much sense (or in some cases too little patience) to participate in the foolishness that is social discourse driven by both main stream media AND social media… and that’s the problem.

let me start with how i got here, today. Kevin Samuels passed a little over a week ago. i have defended his position as being a man, who most men basically agree with, speaking to women about how men feel, and having those women tell him how wrong he his. on its face, that’s ridiculous, but it’s also a conversation for another time. i basically agree with his message, while disagreeing with his delivery. BUT, it’s that delivery that gained him notoriety, and riches. had he packaged his message like i might have, none of us would even know him… now we’re finally getting to my point 

the people who earn prominence, whether it be in the political arena, the business world, or even lately on social media, are often the fringe elements of society, or at least the people who will go 2 or 3 steps farther than a regular person. it works. it absolutely works. it also means that the voices that we hear, and the opinions that the algorithms feed us, do NOT represent most people. most people are moderate, centrist, reasonable. those people take a back seat and let the crazies have the floor, unwilling to either yell over them or try to combat their craziness with logic and reason. 

we have given up, retreated to our pockets of “sanity”, and resolved ourselves to the notion that the world is headed to hell in a hand basket (i don’t know why i just said that). we let Tucker Carlson speak to and for the masses. so we shouldn’t be surprised when an 18 year old White man shoots up a store in a low income  neighborhood, replete with automatic rifle, plenty ammo, and a written plan to kill as many Blacks as possible. we, in effect, send internal memos about the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and the battle for gender and transgender equality, and racism, and socioeconomic prejudice, and a million other issues that we have an opinion on…

at some point regular people have to say enough is enough, right? …wrong, i fear 

Rhythm & Blues

 

“I need you to be happy for me. I need you to be there for me, just like you asked of me. So; so I can have tea and eat cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off."

i loved the movie Brown Sugar (2002) for a number of reasons. Dre and Syd, played by Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan, talk about falling in love with hip-hop at a very early age and how that love helped carry them through life. Though very real, we eventually find out that that love was a metaphor for their relationship, and though Dre had a whole wife and Syd a whole non rapping basketball playing Boris Kodjoe, they eventually figured it out and got together as more than friends. (cut to credits)

i LIKE hip-hop, growing up in “the A” i can spit verses from Outkast, Goodie Mob, T.I., Jeezy, Gucci, Shawty Lo, Kilo Ali (judge ya mama, not me), Ludacris (we called him Chris Luva Luva), and a host of others. but that’s not what had me covering the little security tabs and recording over my moms old cassette tapes, listening to V-103 and just hoping the deejay didn’t talk over too much of the song. au contraire mon frère…

i LOVE r&b. grown folk music, emotions over a smooth track, real singers, musicianship, runs, key changes. especially 90’s r&b… give me Boyz II Men, Jodeci, Dru Hill, Shai, Silk, Gerald Levert, Johnny Gill, Keith Sweat, SWV, Xscape, Zhanè, Brandy, Monica, Tony Terry. i could go on for days, if not weeks. that music affects you. it overwhelms you. it runs a Boston on you, getting you off the table before you even sat down good, standing, wondering, in your feelings

back to basics… there has been a worldwide pandemic (COVID) for some two years now. i have suffered through at least two bouts with it myself. but i survived. lifestyle changes and bouts with depression notwithstanding, i survived. this new post minor children chapter of life has been delayed, but not denied. that’s the church in me coming out

change it is a coming, and i’m here for it

Judging Judy

"...Kiki, do you love me? are you riding? say you'll never ever leave from beside me 'cause i want you, and i need you, and i'm down for you always" - Drizzy

i thought about leading with something from No Guidance, if for no other reason than the fact that i love that video and what they did with the dance battle. ultimately, In My Feelings just fit tho, like a hand in glove, a hot dog in a bun, a big booty thick-thighed vixen riding shotgun... or just riding

THEE STALLION

(cue Megan-esque hand motions)... it's very expensive to date her... why tho? because it's very expensive to date, periodt!!! so in my world of perfectly laid out and executed plans, i choose not to date until i can better afford to, which likely coincides with the 18th anniversary of my youngest child's birth. until then i tell myself, and anybody who'll listen that i can't do it, that i won't do it, that smart money is buying stock in Jergens, specifically the "original" cherry almond scent

THEE PROBLEM

has anybody figured out a way to truly turn off feelings? how do you resist the urge to shun virtue and live in the moment? i think that there is some value in making plans. is there some nearly equivalent value in living for today, not wasting another minute, identifying your best life and going balls to the wall to make it happen now? is Ginuwine still Anxious?

THEE (REDACTED) TO BE MY LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE

i've been around for some 45 years... i've agreed to be around for another 45 minimum. let's call this halftime, and the home team is looking good

love... actually

i fancy myself a thinker... a man not inclined to accept an idea simply because "that's the way it's always been", or just 'cause mama said so, or (gasp) the preacherman blessed us with it on last Sunday. at times it has served me well. still, other times it has caused me seemingly unnecessary stress and delay. but it's who i am, it's what i do

confronted during my college years with new questions and theologies concerning the Creator, and religion as a whole, i stood fast on what i knew, what i'd been taught from a very early age. i took it a step farther shortly thereafter and began working in ministry, the vision being spreading the message of Christ through music, and helping others become more aware of His presence in our worship services. 

still, a part of me remained unsettled by what felt like hypocrisy in my religion, in my Bible, in the teachings coming from the pulpit, and the "Christian" way we thought about, talked about, and treated people outside of our members only fraternity. how were we convinced that we were right? what's more; how were we also convinced that everybody else was wrong? it troubled me that i was sure that had i been born to Muslim parents, and schooled in the ways of Allah and the Koran, that i would be similarly "sure" that i was on the right team

so... i tried to educate myself. i studied, listened to lectures, thought, and prayed. and for years i remained at or near the same place, pressing forward in ministry but keenly aware that i was conflicted. it became more important for me to figure out what i actually believed as my children began to reach maturity and ask questions about God. i redoubled my efforts to find peace in my belief, and it has began to pay dividends

what i've noticed about my life is that most of the time i'm on autopilot, mindlessly going about the daily grind and distracting / entertaining myself with sports, music and other vices. there are times, however, maybe for a period of weeks to months when i'm more keenly aware of the forces at play in the Universe, and open to the energy they emit. in these times, i feel like i'm receiving divine inspiration, answers to some of the questions that i've had for so long. during these "awakenings", i'm literally stirred from my sleep in the wee hours of the morning and unable to fall back into slumber. something about the still of those nights left me unable to deny, ignore, or remain oblivious to the voice within...

more on that in part 2. the working title is...

love... actually: self-contained

Conscious Calamity

i'm no doubt showing my age here, but one of my favorite albums of all time was "The Score" by the Fugees. Wyclef, Lauryn, Pras, and about an hour of awesome sauce. one of the interludes was set in a Chinese restaurant, where the patrons simply wanted their wings fried hard, and some fried rice. somewhere along the way, the owner concluded that they wanted beef, not beef to eat, but the kind of beef that doesn't taste so good and ends up with me meeting Roy at the West Manor Rec and serving up a two-piece snack that even Sharkeisha would be proud of (but that was the 4th grade and i digress). so the Chinese man promptly hopped the counter, and gave them what they "wanted"...

there are basically two causes that i have a real burden for: the role and influence that the church has in the community. that is to say, why do we go to church on a weekly basis... and the crisis of inequality and injustice affecting the Black community on a daily basis. the church thing is a discussion for another day. what i'll deal with here is the unpleasantness that flooded my timeline from my "woke" brothers and sisters

but first, an analogy...

i was married, for 11 years. one of our "things" was the united front. when we disagreed (and oh did we have our disagreements), the discussions took place outside of eye and earshot of our children. what we felt that they needed was the knowledge that their leaders were, above anything else, single-minded in the ultimate purpose, which was the betterment of the household and their overall safety and well-being. so we went to a private space and came to some kind of common ground before we addressed it with the kids. when that was no longer a viable option, the result was divorce... which brings me to this week's mess...

the Black movement has desperately needed leadership, a person or persons to act as the face and voice, organizing thoughts and ideas toward a more unified, and thus a more powerful front. two of the voices that have emerged in the self-described conscious community are Umar Johnson and Sara Suten Seti. this week they both took to social media to challenge each other, not on intellectual or ideological grounds, but literally on some name-calling, meet me after school type stuff COMPLETELY unbecoming men of their status. it has undermined the message, and the movement as a whole. i won't even deal with the silliness of Dr. Umar's rant including an embarrassing moment where he seemingly paused his chest beating rant to answer a call from somebody offering help, to whit he claimed "i got this" several times... until his phone actually rang :-/ ...i can't do the whole thing justice... look it up

we gotta do better!!!

the 40 year old virgin

"...lookin' back over my years, i guess i've shedded some tears. told myself,time and time again, this time i'm gonna win...but another fight, things ain't right, i'm losin' again. it takes a fool to lose twice and start all over again" - Teddy Pendergrass (1980)

recently i celebrated 40 years of life, an event filled with family, friends, drinks, more drinks, music, laughs, and more drinks. my night ended early (or so i've been told), but it was a good time. the subsequent hangover left me on my ass for 2 days rest period gave me an opportunity to be introspective and review some of my life's story thus far... i won't bore you with many details but it can basically be summarized by decade;

THE FIRST 10 YEARS

spent almost entirely in southwest Atlanta, the SWATS if you're from around these parts. i don't remember having ANY interaction with white people and my idea of adventure was catching the 66 Lynhurst (marta bus) to Greenbriar with my aunt or uncle. it was just me and my sister, ridahs 'til the end

TEEN SPIRIT

moved to Cobb County, added 5 siblings, finished high school (Pebblebrook), started college (CAU), discovered a love of music. my idea of adventure involved employment at Six Flags Over Georgia and money, women, or both

THE ROARIN' TWENTIES

married, 3 children, first (and second) home, cars, grinding... accounting, teaching,music ministry, father, husband... PepsiCo, Atlanta Public Schools, ClayCo Detention... too busy to stop and smell the roses, too young and dumb to realize it

30 SOMETHING

divorce, financial rock bottom... somewhere in being broke and lonely i found a better sense of who i was and who i was supposed to be... found my swag if u will. managing that has taken some getting used to, but now that i have...

WHAT YOU GOT ON MY 40

the kids are fine, my pockets are feelin' better, ministry (and maturity) are taking off. i firmly believe that i have met my wife, which means that she has met me too i'm thinking. now, if we can just get past this whole awkward "not together" phase, maybe we can get back to love. my blood brothers have become my best friends, and Jesus is my help...

to be continued...

Savage Life

"somebody real is hard to find, somebody worth all your time. somebody who can tell you the truth, someone who loves you for you. someone who knows all of your flaws and doesn't impose, try to control them. let's you be free, doesn't deceive. gives you a chance to believe, believe in something... is that too much???" -Tink

i follow a guy on Facebook, Wayne Colley, calls himself Kuntry Wayne. he makes funny little selfie type videos in different situations. on one such video, he was making fun of himself getting caught listening to a "girl" song by his brother. me being me, i never got to the part where he got caught 'cause i was too busy diggin' the tune, tryna open google and shazam, going over to the keyboard, and generally having an impromptu jam session with myself, by myself, for myself... enough about me, let's talk about... errr... me

CONFESSION: i have operated as if my love life was outside of God's sight, doing who i wanted, when i wanted, where i wanted; all the while expecting that every aspect of my life (relationships included) would continue to be blessed. how ridiculous is it that i was both surprised and disgusted when i got sh!tted on less than spectacular results. as whacked out as she is at times, Lauryn Hill said it best; "...it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard"

so... having identified and diagnosed a problem, i set about traveling the road to solution. that consisted of making it my earnest prayer that what i had paid lip service to (wanting to be in an outstanding marriage) became something that i, God-willing, took steps toward accomplishing. imagine my surprise when the results came back that i, he of ever-growing faith, "good" hair, crazy wit, above average "abilities" wink wink, and strong family values, was most of the problem 0_o

long story medium, i've been working on me. He's been working in and on me. it is both my prayer and expectation that He is also working in and on the she...

time reveals all things... trust and believe -me

P.S. - i had a few other directions i could have taken that "lip service" blurb a couple of paragraphs ago, but i resisted ;-) ...prolly won't happen again