love... actually

i fancy myself a thinker... a man not inclined to accept an idea simply because "that's the way it's always been", or just 'cause mama said so, or (gasp) the preacherman blessed us with it on last Sunday. at times it has served me well. still, other times it has caused me seemingly unnecessary stress and delay. but it's who i am, it's what i do

confronted during my college years with new questions and theologies concerning the Creator, and religion as a whole, i stood fast on what i knew, what i'd been taught from a very early age. i took it a step farther shortly thereafter and began working in ministry, the vision being spreading the message of Christ through music, and helping others become more aware of His presence in our worship services. 

still, a part of me remained unsettled by what felt like hypocrisy in my religion, in my Bible, in the teachings coming from the pulpit, and the "Christian" way we thought about, talked about, and treated people outside of our members only fraternity. how were we convinced that we were right? what's more; how were we also convinced that everybody else was wrong? it troubled me that i was sure that had i been born to Muslim parents, and schooled in the ways of Allah and the Koran, that i would be similarly "sure" that i was on the right team

so... i tried to educate myself. i studied, listened to lectures, thought, and prayed. and for years i remained at or near the same place, pressing forward in ministry but keenly aware that i was conflicted. it became more important for me to figure out what i actually believed as my children began to reach maturity and ask questions about God. i redoubled my efforts to find peace in my belief, and it has began to pay dividends

what i've noticed about my life is that most of the time i'm on autopilot, mindlessly going about the daily grind and distracting / entertaining myself with sports, music and other vices. there are times, however, maybe for a period of weeks to months when i'm more keenly aware of the forces at play in the Universe, and open to the energy they emit. in these times, i feel like i'm receiving divine inspiration, answers to some of the questions that i've had for so long. during these "awakenings", i'm literally stirred from my sleep in the wee hours of the morning and unable to fall back into slumber. something about the still of those nights left me unable to deny, ignore, or remain oblivious to the voice within...

more on that in part 2. the working title is...

love... actually: self-contained