Relationships 101

"many days i've longed for you, wanting you, hoping for the chance to get to know you... longing for your kiss, for your touch, your feel, your essence. many nights i've cried from the thing you do, felt like i could die from the thought of losing you. i KNOW that you're real, with no doubts and no fears and no questions" - Musiq Soulchild

dating as a 30-something straight man in Atlanta is, in a word, interesting... consider first my story: married at age 20 to a pregnant 18 year old; a marriage of 11 years and 3 children, subsequent divorce and accompanying child support payment., white collar employment with middle-class salary, involved in leadership at a local church... nonchalant to a fault, easy-going, sociable, comfortable in the proverbial "spotlight"... i want a relationship, fully invested, fully committed, fully accountable, just like the thousands of single, attractive females that roam the landscape and occasionally cross my path.

but what seems like a recipe for certain success is something less than that... what should be as simple as finding the right sized shirt is, more accurately, akin to finding a virgin at Freaknik... but why???

at this age, both parties bring a healthy amount of baggage to a situation. i know that the word "baggage" has a negative connotation but stay with me... what we see growing up becomes our normal. our experiences help shape what we will and won't accept in a mate. our past failures condition us to see red flags, even where they may not exist. our "friends" and others with whom we vent and seek counsel add cloudiness (if not confusion) to the mix... but what's worst than any of these offenders is our unwillingness, and down right fear of being alone

what SHOULD happen is that we meet people when there is an attraction, spend some time getting properly acquainted, and determine whether or not it is a good fit. what happens all too often is the square peg being jammed into the round hole. while it may eventually go thru, both the peg and the hole are damaged.. rather than waiting for the round peg (or square hole), we settle...

but if it were that simple, more people would be successful. allow me to throw in a curve...

what we also do wrong is determine the value of the person we're seeing based on some predetermined list of what we've had or think we want. so that rather than truly getting to know and appreciate a chick for who she is at HER core, she becomes a less attractive version of Jamie, or a less intelligent version of Michelle, or a less spiritual version of mom, or this, or that... never being able to be judged and appreciated for the uniqueness that she could bring to my life

along the same lines, i'm being measured by a ruler that her exes have bent, twisted, cracked, and broken. my strengths get lost in my resemblance to their weaknesses. my weaknesses morph into visions of tortured past. when i ignore a text at 8:45pm i become the man who used to leave and come home at 6 in the morning. when i have a decent conversation with my ex-wife, i become the man that cheated on you with his babymama...

the only thing i know is that i know nothing... but i'm learning. and one day soon, i'll get it right